Anger and ADHD – dealing with emotional dysregulation
- Lorna Thomas
- Aug 18
- 3 min read
From road rage to zen: how one client took back control of her emotions
In a recent session my client - let’s call her Alice - talked about how exhausted she was by her own emotions. Alice has ADHD and has been learning to work with her strengths with me, but was struggling with this. When I questioned her more deeply, we worked out her emotional dysregulation was not from battling big life events, as you might expect. In fact, the main source of her negative emotions came from her daily commute.
Emotional overwhelm in everyday situations
Every morning, Alice would drive to the office tense, angry, and ready for a fight with anyone who dared to cut her up or offend her with their driving. By the time she arrived, her day already felt ruined.
Alice isn’t unusual. We often behave very differently behind the wheel than we do in other situations. Even peace-loving, conflict-avoiding, people-pleasing individuals can morph into horn-blowing, sweary banshees once they’re wrapped in the cocoon of a car.
Most of us think we’re better-than-average drivers. Statistically, that can’t be true. Whether part of the problem was Alice’s own driving is irrelevant, however. My goal wasn’t to make her a better driver. Alice needed help to her regulate her emotions during something she couldn’t avoid but had come to hate - her daily commute.
Three steps to reducing emotional dysregulation and anger outbursts with ADHD
Step 1: Dial down the language
When we talked, I noticed Alice’s choice of word when she was referring to her commute. She “hated” it. The word “hate” was priming her body and mind for a fight before she’d even put the key in the ignition.
Language is very powerful. The words we choose to use – and we can choose them - can summon the exact emotions we’re trying to avoid. So we created what Alice called her Wheel of Alternative Words. She used it as quick reference to help her replace the word “hate” with something less explosive.
She chose to reframe it with “strong dislike.” While it’s still a negative emotion, it’s noticeably calmer. It’s also realistic. No one is expecting Alice to suddenly switch to “loving” her commute.
This shift alone stopped her from plunging into emotional dysregulation before the journey had even begun.
Step 2: Focus on what’s in your control
When you’re emotionally dysregulated, whether due to ADHD or simply because life is stressful, it’s easy to fixate on things you have no control over. Instead, we need to look at what we can control. We flip it.
When we looked at what Alice could control, we looked at it through each of her senses:
Sight: Alice made a small handmade decoration for her dashboard to give her something pleasing to focus on in traffic.
Sound: She researched calming sounds and built a playlist of music under 60 beats per minute.
Touch: A soft, tactile steering wheel cover replaced the cold, hard plastic.
Smell: Alice blended her own car air freshener with mint and citrus for a crisp, uplifting scent.
We didn’t need to work on taste in this case, but she decided to skip the sugary drinks and extra caffeine before driving, as an additional way to help improve her tolerance.
Step 3: Remove time pressure
Finally, we tackled the one trigger Alice hadn’t noticed: rushing. By leaving home earlier, she removed the constant background stress of “I’m going to be late.”
What were the results of these emotion-regulation skills?
The commute didn’t magically become Alice’s favourite part of the day, but it stopped ruining her mornings. She felt calmer, more in control, and far less likely to arrive at work seething.
Alice’s story is proof that even if you experience emotional dysregulation, you can interrupt those knee-jerk patterns.
- You can choose your language.
- You can often control some element of your environment.
- You can set yourself up for a calmer outcome.
And when you do that, you don’t just change your commute or whatever else is bothering you - you could change the way you experience your whole day.
Do you need an ADHD coach to help you with emotional dysregulation?
What everyday situation tends to trigger your emotions the most? If you have ADHD, and are experiencing anger and emotional dysregulation, before you face it next time, think about changing just one thing you can control. Whether that’s your language, your environment, or your timing: see how it shifts your experience.
If you need more help, why not contact me? I offer ADHD business coaching and I’m based in Surrey – but I can work with you remotely. Let’s have a chat!